I know I say it all the time, and I ask people the same question. But really? Where has the time gone? Must it really go so quickly? We've been done with court for almost a month now but I am still waiting for all of it to sink in and feel real, final, done? Its so weird, I've been surfing of the waves of life and now that my waters have calmed down, I really have time to stop and think what do I want? What do I really want to do? I will admit that I normally enjoy the fast lane in life and its refreshing to slow down.
A good friend of mine, pointed out to me that I am always waiting for the other foot to drop. I quickly replied that it always does, that good things happen but bad things are always waiting for me around the corner. There is always another foot. She pointed out that sometimes the other foot may drop but can also be picked back up. I didn't really think about it till later the next day. But I realized that I do kind of wait for the negative to catch up with me. And in some ways it stops me from truly soaking up and enjoying where I am at.
So, I am thankful, for a house to keep up, weeds to pull, laundry to do, dishes to wash and toys on the floor. For the first time I realize it means, I have a house to live in, a yard for my daughter to play in, clothes to wear, food to eat and a spoiled little girl. I am blessed with a good life.
I've gotten back into running, and even signed up for a few races. While running this morning, with my wobbly stroller, opening markers and handing over snacks and sunglasses I started to wonder why do I bother? And then I realized that this is a blessing, I get to go running with my daughter. The mornings have been so much better. When Lucy wakes up, she comes and tells me she's hungry and then asks if we're going for a run. Normally Lucy does awesome with our runs as long as they are 30-40 mins. As I increase the distance and time she is not quiet as happy so the snacks and special activity boards have come out, but when we get home she doesn't ask for tv and is happy to run around the house and play, even getting to daycare has been easier. So I will no longer use her as the excuse not to go and be happy to set the example of a healthy life style.
I recognized another thing I need to work on, thanks to some good friends. I over think situations in my mind, I try and look at everything from every possible angle. And I try to see how logical it is, or isn't. and when it isn't I pull back. If there is a minor chance of getting hurt I shut down completely. Funny thing is, The best advice I give to clients and friends is, think about it in two's. how will you feel in two weeks? two months? and in two years? Life is not logical. We set out to make our journey as easy as possible, point a to point b- But some how we get rerouted, bumped, scrapped and sometimes pushed off the road. I want to protect myself and Lucy at every turn. But at what cost? What am I missing out on? Life, I am missing out on life, I've been made strong for a reason, so why not? Can a person have to many scratches, bruises and bumps?
Well I am afraid to admit, that everyone was right when they said you don't take nearly as many pictures after the first year. Not that I don't try I think it has more to do with the fact that my subject won't hold still long enough. But She's pretty cute so I think I'll keep her around.
Lucy is speaking more and more clear sentences and even when she doesn't she's telling you some sort of story! She was talking to me, while I was paying bills when she suddenly says "Oh crap!" I watched her then dig through her purse and answer her phone! I know where she learned that!
She still loves her Barbie's and they are all princesses and they all have to have their hair done on an almost daily basis. I guess the apple doesn't fall far. She also tells me almost daily that she is a princess. She most certainly is!
She loves her little pool. I bought her a little tube and it was too cold to sit outside with it so she took it into the tub with her and had a grand ol'time. She is always finding ways to entertain herself, singing, or dancing or making her baby food.
She is also a little angel. I am always so thankful for her and her little spirit. She has the funniest little sense of humor, she is great little traveler and obsessed with Frank.
Last month was a good one, this one started off with my new salon. It was a good move and I have had at least half of my clients it was a good move and that they like my new salon better!
Lucy, I never seem to know where to start with this little girl! She has started asking so many questions and singing all the words to her favorite songs.
After bath time the other night I found her bend over in front of her fan, I asked her what she was doing and she told me "drying off my buns". Where do kids come up with this stuff? She sure hasn't learned that from me!
She loves to color, and has started to color specific parts of pictures and some what well with in the lines.
She is always good for a smile and laugh. I think her laugh is the most contagious thing in the world, especially when she really gets going.
Her imagination is growing and she plays with barbies more than her babies, but will still wrap them in my kitchen towels for bed or nap time.
She loves playing in the sand. Digging and filling her bucket and dumping it out, keeps her busy for hours.
On a recent trip to the Solomon house, she and her cousin Anna were walking around a t-ball stand singing songs from Frozen at the top of their lungs. It was SO funny. She has found some good friends with those girls.
I think her favorite color right now is green.
Still loves mac n' cheese and chicken nuggets. String cheese and kid Zbars easily her favorite snacks.
I still find it hard to believe how big she is getting. It wasn't till the other day at the Zoo, I really took a good look at her and saw that she is this tall skinny little girl and not a little toddler anymore.
I realized the other day, that we discuss the ripple effect- throw a stone in the water and see how it effects everything around it. I feel like my like my life has been in the ripples of those around me. Rolling with the waves, out of control. And though the feeling is still there I feel like I have been blessed with a boat to weather the storm.
A recent boy has made me painfully aware that I have survived more than I had ever thought. I know it is only by prayers of others and my own. I can say that I know God will make us as strong as we need to be, and for some reason I don't know. I am suppose to be strong. It seems lately when I am feeling low and struggling he sends someone my way to help me put things into perspective.
My 30th birthday is approaching quickly- And I realize more than ever that this in not the life I pictured or planned for myself and have been feeling low. But I realized (reflecting on the conversation with said boy) that this isn't a bad life. That Heavenly Father, heard my prayers. I use to pray that I would be able to raise Lucy in a happy, healthy environment. I would pray to be happy and be able to help others.
Though don't get me wrong my heart still aches and I'm sure it will for a long time, I never wanted to raise Lucy in two family homes. And I never pictured things turning out like this. But I do know that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel and I know that God can see the bigger picture.
I taught my first young women's lesson the other day. About the importance of growing a testimony. I struggled, I felt like I didn't know how to teach the lesson. I never had that big moment, where I prayed to know the truth, it was something I always knew was there. I never doubted the church. I never doubted that there was or is a Heavenly Father looking out for me. When my life plan was burned in front of me, that was all that was left. The foundation of my life. My knowledge that God lives and loves me. The unchanging principles of the church. Though I have had dark days, and I know there will be more to come I know that I will come through it. I didn't know why I needed to be strong but I realize now- I need to be strong so that my daughter will be too. I pray that she doesn't have to go through a life like mine, and will fight like hell to protect her from all that I wasn't. I know that the tears and struggles will pass. and though I can't control all that is going on around me. I know more than ever I can only control myself, my actions and attitude.
Someone got into my car and stole my temple bag a couple of months ago (along with a few other things) I was upset and frustrated. I immediately bought new things so that I could go, only to remember that my recommend was in the bag as well. I was recently finally able to get back, and know that I don't want to let anyone ever stop me from going. That I really was "robbed" of blessings and peace of mind. And don't want it to happen again in any way, shape or form.
I am thankful for the few that have stuck with me. I am thankful for the few that have dropped into my life to teach me quick lessons. And I am thankful for those that I am able to help, I think in many ways they help me more than I can help them.
Kaycee came to town! I think Its been 7 years or more since I have seen this little brat, and she has turned into an adult! How does that happen? It was fun to catch up with this girl.
So I am a bit behind this month! It took me a little while to realize we were already in May!
Lets see, where to start with miss Lucy. She suddenly grew. She seems so tall lately.
Her love affair with Frozen has grown, She can sing all the songs and was watching and quoting the movie today. I have also noticed that she memorizes songs quickly and easily. Its pretty cute to hear her sing along to my music...though it has also forced me to be careful about what I am listening to around her.
She and Frank still sleep and play together. It's pretty cute. The other night she was at her Dad's house and Frank went in her room looking for her.
She loves bubbles! In the tub or outside with the machine or blowing them herself. I think they need to make a new e-card with just a picture of bubbles all over and a mom passed out from blowing them!
For some reason she doesn't like the swings anymore. Last year that is all she wanted to do, but this year when we go to the park all she wants is to slide! She loves the big open slide, nothing beats her smile as she comes down by herself.
Her speech is improving, and her sentences have grown to 5-6 words.
In the mornings she comes into my room and tells Frank, "come up here, Frank" and then comes and tucks herself in next to me before saying "mom, wake up! I hungry. Want bar...peas". She then tells Frank " come on Frank, potty outside".
If there is mud on the floor, she automatically thinks its Franks poop, for some reason. Its funny.
Her favorite books this month are The Cat in the Hat and Go, Dog Go. We read them every night.
I've noticed that she can count to 20, she forgets 5, but other than that she's got it down.
She loves to color! Loves her little markers, I noticed that she is starting to draw shapes and color in images, not in the lines but it seems like she can tell what objects/ characters she wants colored.
She loves blocks! Still plays with them daily. I have noticed that her building has become better, she knows how to stack them and sometimes will not only stack them evenly with the high and low blocks but will also sort the colors. So each level is one color.
Lucy will often pretend to be a kitty or a frog. Both of which will growl and bit at you...not sure where she got that!
She loves her puzzles. I took them away for a little bit and just returned them to the play area. She will make all the animal sounds when she puts them back in their place and can now do the alphabet one all by herself, and can name most of the numbers and all of the colors. Its crazy how fast she can learn and absorb.
I almost forgot! She is crazy about blankets! Loves and has to always have one. Not one in particular which makes life easier, but always has to have one to take in the car and to daycare.
She is still so sweet and loves to cuddle. I think that helps make it easier to watch her get big. Since she still requests "hold you please" and "mom, Cuddle you"
Not sure how I ever got along with out this little ray of light.
This Easter was so much fun! I have to say holidays are fun again! We colored eggs last Sunday afternoon. Lucy loved it, and talked about it all week. She was very careful to not brake the eggs, we only had one crack. She also loved putting stickers on all of them. and talked about eating them.
I put out all the eggs and Miss Lucy's basket out the night before and it felt like Christmas eve waiting for her to wake up the next morning. When she finally did come running into my room, I asked her if she thought the Easter bunny had come, and she said, "I don't know!" and we ran to the front room. She was so excided with her basket, I had to convince her to go outside, and when we did she collected all 42 eggs in a matter of maybe 10-15 mins. We came inside and she said "I excited to eat CHOCOLATE!"
After a morning of convincing her she had to eat her oatmeal before she got any more chocolate, we headed to The Villages, in Meridian. They had a huge Easter egg hunt. I was a little concerned how she would do in a crowd but she did fine. The hardest part was getting her to wait for the whistle to blow so she could get eggs, and then once it did, she was confused by all the crazy parents running out to grab eggs for their kids! But she did get a fair few and had a good time. After that there was a magic show and free balloon animals and face painting. She wasn't up for face painting but was happy with her balloon dog.
Tonight we were getting ready for bed and I asked her if she had fun today, she said "I love eggs" And I asked her if she liked going to the park to get them and she said "yeah, and I eat lots of chocolate" So I would say it was a good day!
I feel grateful today. I always dreamed of having a family of my own and starting traditions. You would think with Easter being Chads holiday this year it would be hard. Don't get me wrong. It is. But the fun of making Lucy's Easter basket, finding her dress, coloring eggs and hiding them makes it easier. Seeing how big she is and listening to her play, her imagination is growing. I know that in time many things will change. I hope it includes adding to my family, it makes me happy, and reminds me to enjoy the time I have now where it is just me and Lucy, because it may never be like this again. In fact it will never be like this again, every year she will be different, older, and smarter.
