Ripples

I realized the other day, that we discuss the ripple effect- throw a stone in the water and see how it effects everything around it. I feel like my like my life has been in the ripples of those around me. Rolling with the waves, out of control. And though the feeling is still there I feel like I have been blessed with a boat to weather the storm.
A recent boy has made me painfully aware that I have survived more than I had ever thought. I know it is only by prayers of others and my own. I can say that I know God will make us as strong as we need to be, and for some reason I don't know. I am suppose to be strong. It seems lately when I am feeling low and struggling he sends someone my way to help me put things into perspective.
My 30th birthday is approaching quickly- And I realize more than ever that this in not the life I pictured or planned for myself and have been feeling low. But I realized (reflecting on the conversation with said boy) that this isn't a bad life. That Heavenly Father, heard my prayers. I use to pray that I would be able to raise Lucy in a happy, healthy environment. I would pray to be happy and be able to help others. 
Though don't get me wrong my heart still aches and I'm sure it will for a long time, I never wanted to raise Lucy in two family homes. And I never pictured things turning out like this. But I do know that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel and I know that God can see the bigger picture. 
I taught my first young women's lesson the other day. About the importance of growing a testimony. I struggled, I felt like I didn't know how to teach the lesson. I never had that big moment, where I prayed to know the truth, it was something I always knew was there. I never doubted the church. I never doubted that there was or is a Heavenly Father looking out for me. When my life plan was burned in front of me, that was all that was left. The foundation of my life. My knowledge that God lives and loves me. The unchanging principles of the church. Though I have had dark days, and I know there will be more to come I know that I will come through it. I didn't know why I needed to be strong but I realize now- I need to be strong so that my daughter will be too. I pray that she doesn't have to go through a life like mine, and will fight like hell to protect her from all that I wasn't. I know that the tears and struggles will pass. and though I can't control all that is going on around me. I know more than ever I can only control myself, my actions and attitude.
Someone got into my car and stole my temple bag  a couple of months ago (along with a few other things) I was upset and frustrated. I immediately bought new things so that I could go, only to remember that my recommend was in the bag as well. I was recently finally able to get back, and know that I don't want to let anyone ever stop me from going. That I really was "robbed" of blessings and peace of mind. And don't want it to happen again in any way, shape or form.
I am thankful for the few that have stuck with me. I am thankful for the few that have dropped into my life to teach me quick lessons. And I am thankful for those that I am able to help, I think in many ways they help me more than I can help them.

Auntie Kaycee

Kaycee came to town! I think Its been 7 years or more since I have seen this little brat, and she has turned into an adult! How does that happen? It was fun to catch up with this girl.

May

So I am a bit behind this month! It took me a little while to realize we were already in May!
Lets see, where to start with miss Lucy. She suddenly grew. She seems so tall lately.
Her love affair with Frozen has grown, She can sing all the songs and was watching and quoting the movie today. I have also noticed that she memorizes songs quickly and easily. Its pretty cute to hear her sing along to my music...though it has also forced me to be careful about what I am listening to around her.
She and Frank still sleep and play together. It's pretty cute. The other night she was at her Dad's house and Frank went in her room looking for her.
She loves bubbles! In the tub or outside with the machine or blowing them herself. I think they need to make a new e-card with just a picture of bubbles all over and a mom passed out from blowing them!
For some reason she doesn't like the swings anymore. Last year that is all she wanted to do, but this year when we go to the park all she wants is to slide! She loves the big open slide, nothing beats her smile as she comes down by herself.
Her speech is improving, and her sentences have grown to 5-6 words.
In the mornings she comes into my room and tells Frank, "come up here, Frank" and then comes and tucks herself in next to me before saying "mom, wake up! I hungry. Want bar...peas". She then tells Frank " come on Frank, potty outside".
If there is mud on the floor, she automatically thinks its Franks poop, for some reason. Its funny.
Her favorite books this month are The Cat in the Hat and Go, Dog Go. We read them every night.
I've noticed that she can count to 20, she forgets 5, but other than that she's got it down.
She loves to color! Loves her little markers, I noticed that she is starting to draw shapes and color in images, not in the lines but it seems like she can tell what objects/ characters she wants colored.
She loves blocks! Still plays with them daily. I have noticed that her building has become better, she knows how to stack them and sometimes will not only stack them evenly with the high and low blocks but will also sort the colors. So each level is one color.
Lucy will often pretend to be a kitty or a frog. Both of which will growl and bit at you...not sure where she got that!
She loves her puzzles. I took them away for a little bit and just returned them to the play area. She will make all the animal sounds when she puts them back in their place and can now do the alphabet one all by herself, and can name most of the numbers and all of the colors. Its crazy how fast she can learn and absorb.
I almost forgot! She is crazy about blankets! Loves and has to always have one. Not one in particular which makes life easier, but always has to have one to take in the car and to daycare.
She is still so sweet and loves to cuddle. I think that helps make it easier to watch her get big. Since she still requests "hold you please" and "mom, Cuddle you"
Not sure how I ever got along with out this little ray of light.

 

 

Easter

  This Easter was so much fun! I have to say holidays are fun again! We colored eggs last Sunday afternoon. Lucy loved it, and talked about it all week. She was very careful to not brake the eggs, we only had one crack. She also loved putting stickers on all of them. and talked about eating them.
 I put out all the eggs and Miss Lucy's basket out the night before and it felt like Christmas eve waiting for her to wake up the next morning. When she finally did come running into my room, I asked her if she thought the Easter bunny had come, and she said, "I don't know!" and we ran to the front room. She was so excided with her basket, I had to convince her to go outside, and when we did she collected all 42 eggs in a matter of maybe 10-15 mins. We came inside and she said "I excited to eat CHOCOLATE!"
After a morning of convincing her she had to eat her oatmeal before she got any more chocolate, we headed to The Villages, in Meridian. They had a huge Easter egg hunt. I was a little concerned how she would do in a crowd but she did fine. The hardest part was getting her to wait for the whistle to blow so she could get eggs, and then once it did, she was confused by all the crazy parents running out to grab eggs for their kids! But she did get a fair few and had a good time. After that there was a magic show and free balloon animals and face painting. She wasn't up for face painting but was happy with her balloon dog.
Tonight we were getting ready for bed and I asked her if she had fun today, she said "I love eggs" And I asked her if she liked going to the park to get them and she said "yeah, and I eat lots of chocolate" So I would say it was a good day!
I feel grateful today. I always dreamed of having a family of my own and starting traditions. You would think with Easter being Chads holiday this year it would be hard. Don't get me wrong. It is. But the fun of making Lucy's Easter basket, finding her dress, coloring eggs and hiding them makes it easier.  Seeing how big she is and listening to her play, her imagination is growing. I know that in time many things will change. I hope it includes adding to my family, it makes me happy, and reminds me to enjoy the time I have now where it is just me and Lucy, because it may never be like this again.  In fact it will never be like this again, every year she will be different, older, and smarter.

 

April

I'm a little late with this post. But I kind of did it on purpose. Today is also my 1 year anniversary. In more ways than not it feels like it has been so much longer. I think its because Lucy grows so quickly. To think she is currently a spunky, high spirited, little 2 and a 1/2 year old and last year we were still counting by months.
This month has been a fun one. Lucy will only wear pretty dresses. Which poses a problem when its still super cold outside and she doesn't want to wear tights. Though it is still a very cute stage. Every once in a while I can trick her into wearing pants under her dress. Those days are few and far between. I normally feel like a bad parent letting her run around with little bare legs. It is truly a pick your battles situation.
She talks so much and comprehends so much more. I am still caught off guard when I ask her to do something in steps and she does it. The other day she had her crayons and book out and wanted to paint so I told her she had to put her crayons and book away and throw away the paper ( she peels her crayons) and she did, rather quickly. And was ready to paint.
The mornings are still one of my favorite parts of the day, but she is getting a bit more demanding as far as food goes. She comes into my room and wants food right there and then. Purple bar and milk please! MOM! Get up, hungry time!
She has managed to memorize Tangled and Frozen. Knows all the songs and characters. Its pretty cute.
Her imagination seems to be growing. I was putting on my make up when she ran into the bathroom and said "mom! I scared! Monsters get us" and then ran back out slammed my bedroom door, runs back and says "I save us" She is always saving us from monsters or dragons.
She recently became afraid of the dark. One random night of not going to bed, I sat her down and calmed her and asked her what's wrong? and She said "I scared, light on" . Not sure where she came up with that since she has never had a night light, but whatever keeps her in her bed :)
We also up graded her bed into a Twin. She seems to like her big girl bed. Every night before I go to bed I open her door and check on her...yes I am "that" mom... I have to make sure she's still there and breathing. But Frank goes in and sleeps on the end of her bed. Its hard to believe how protective he is of her. Especially the way she treats him sometimes. Maybe he realizes he would go hungry a lot more without her.
Found out she is one of the few children that get hyper off Benadryl. Chad called me and said she was sick, asked me if I wanted to come get her early because you could tell she just wasn't feeling good. I knew she's been having some allergy problems, high pollen count, whatever. So I went and picked her up. We got home and she ate a granola bar and I gave her some Benadryl and then she ate some cheese and was SUPER happy. Singing songs and dancing. Laughing and playing. She wanted to call her Papa, so we did and she sang him almost every song she knew! It was a late night and she slept in till 930 the next day! Needless to say I no longer give her Benadryl.
A couple of my favorite quotes this month.
She was wrapping up her dolls and says "I love making babies."
The other one was when she was coloring with markers and couldn't get one of the lids off and she said "Mom! Help your baby."
I also can't get enough of the random "I love you" or "I love you so much"

 

This year has been a crazy one. I feel like I can say my highs are what get me through the lows. There has been a lot of self discovery, I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I know what I want, and what I'm looking for. I know that there are many more up hill battles waiting for me, but I also know that Heavenly Father will be there and with him I can over come anything. (not that I'm looking for trouble) In fact I am hoping I have had my share for a little while and that things will stay calm.

March!

Well all I can say is balancing work and Lucy is HARD WORK! Some how the days fly by. Lucy is growing up so fast.
She is recently addicted to the movie Tangled. Which she calls Tangles. She sings and dances along. And always asks where the witch went at the end when she falls out of the tower. She also asks/looks for her purple princess dress whenever it is on.
This month she has started saying I love you. Its the best three word sentence out of her mouth. I love hearing it. Her other favorite phrases are "Frank potty outside", " its hungry time", "mom wake up!", "ah, man!" and either "I'm making cookies" or "I'm making eggs"
She's added Happy Birthday, Jesus want me for a sunbeam and let it go to her list of songs. Itsy Bitsy Spider still seems to be her favorite.
She loves to read and play with her babies.
She loves to eat ice and Mac n' Cheese. I have recently made it a goal to cook a real recipe at least once, trying for twice a week. Which is always challenging but, we eat a bit healthier and left overs are nice to have for lunches. 
Along with my cooking goal I have added staying off my ipad and phone until Lucy is in bed. Which is sometimes challenging but we are finding better sources of entertainment (outside of Tangles) we read, color, do puzzles,play with play dough and babies, work on numbers and go over colors and shapes. And it is just getting nice enough to walk Frank again.
It seems impossible to sit and think of everything new she is doing this past month. Her vocabulary has grown quite a bit and it seems like she is putting bigger sentences together. Her stories are getting longer and sometimes understandable.
She is a total animal lover. She is obsessed with kitties lately. Anytime Mittens is around she wants to cuddle him and then make him lay down so she can cover him up with a blanket...which he is not as good about as Frank is. So normally it ends up with her yelling at him to lay down and he is running for any exit he can find. Though I think he must kind of like it since he lets her catch him on occasion.
While cleaning up Frank poop outside the other day, She realized that Frank actually poops outside. She looked at me and said "Frank poops outside?" And I said "Yes, Frank poops outside". She looked thoughtful for a minute and said "Mama poop in the potty?" And I said "yup, Mama poops in the potty" Which she got quiet again, So I asked her "Where does Lucy poop?" And she responded with a big smile, "In my pants!" I then asked her when she wants to poop in the potty and she said no thanks... We will get there.
Seems like she is getting more and more expressive in good and not so good ways. But with the screaming fits, words and demands are starting to be said which in some ways makes life easier.Sometimes it makes saying no or walking away that much harder. I swear she knows just which buttons to push to make me cave!
We went to the Aquarium again last week and she loved it! She loved the low pools with little guppies that they have to play in. She still wasn't so sure of the sting rays. She would put her hand in until they came close and then she would grab on to me. She also liked touching the starfish. They had stools all around and she gloomed on to one and carried it around to the different displays. She loved being able to climb up and see them by herself. She was rather passionate about wanting to touch the Jellyfish, but with all the displays it was easy to distract her.
I'm excited to see what summer adventures will come. And I'm so grateful for this sweet little girl.

February With Lucy

Walked in the door and I noticed Lucy stunk a bit. So I asked her "are you poopy?" which she responded "no poopy, I fart". Well at least she knows the difference.
Goodness January was a little but slower than December which was kind of nice. Though this kid just keeps on growing like a weed.
She loves markers, and play dough. Whenever we color I always point to a color and ask which one it is, I recently noticed that she knows all her colors. She will point to a color and say "what's that?" and If I say "what's that?" she will tell me the color. Play dough is fun with her, she calls it snakes and all we do is roll snakes. She loves it.
Her favorite food by far is mac n' cheese , Chicken nuggets are a close second. Though she still loves her apples and grapes.
She is such a little ham in front of the camera! I don't think she will suffer from low self-esteem. She likes to tell peoples she's cute. And when we get done brushing her teeth and doing her hair she says "ooo, I so pretty"
She has also started dressing herself and insisting on going out that way. She had on purple pants, and orange and grey shirt and a pink dress over it with her brown boots, Justto go to the store. Today I dressed her in a under shirt with a little jacket and a skirt and tights, She added a hot pink vest and her coat and a blue tutu. The kid has style...
We sat down to breakfast this morning and she said "prayers, mom" so I folded my arms and bowed my head and was just about to start when she said them! "heavenly father...bless food...thankful... amen!" So sweet.
I use to go in after she fell asleep and hold her and try and soak in all her babyness. I went in tonight and held her, its sad and exciding all at the same time. She is no longer a little baby burrito swaddled and sweet but a long legged and armed little girl. Her legs fall off my lap and her arms reach around me. I remember squeezing her little arms and the smell of her hair. Rubbing her cheeks and tucking her hair behind her ear. Last week before he nap I held her and felt her little hands squeeze my arms and pat my cheeks tuck my hair and grab my ears. How is it time can be so cruel and pass so quickly?
We always read books before bed. The other night I sat down to read to her and she said "no I read it"  She said a bit about each page, apparently it was a comedy because she would laugh and point at the pictures and say "see mama" and I would say :"yup I do" It seemed to help her with her story.
Love that she plays with her babies, and animals and even Barbie gets a place at the table. She will place all her toys around the table and the proceed to feed them, while doing so she will talk on the phone ( her banana) and sometimes say "no" or my personal favorite "say please" (which sounds like peas).  When I ask her who she is talking to she is almost always talking to "Av".
We did a little science experiment with some baking soda and colored white vinegar. She loved it! Kept her busy for almost an hour!
Its been an interesting last couple of weeks. I have struggled more, but haven't been able to pin point why until recently. This past year has been hard but I kept telling myself whatever is suppose to happen will. That I know I will be put where I need to be. I kept reminding myself that I have no control and that I was in the Lords' hands. I feel like I have been able to come to grips with this, that this is not a place of great planning for the future but a place that will get me where I need to be. Recently I've had to realize that the same goes for Lucy. Though I would love to be able to protect her from everything there is out there, I can't. That all I can do is make sure I raise a strong young women that knows she is loved and supported, and that she too has a Heavenly Father that loves her. He loves her more than I do and that I need to trust him more. I think in times of trial we all need to remember that, Heavenly Father loves us and only wants what's best. We just have to trust in him.
Anyways, its been a good month :)